Thursday, February 18, 2016

The First Buds of Spring

Although i don't feel like there is hope for me. I will keep going. Even though looking forward is super hard and most days i just want to curl up in a ball and hide, I will keep going.

I will wake up and drink the coffee bought on food stamps and write another cover letter for another job application.

I will make my own food instead of going out and buying food I cannot afford.

I will do the physical therapy work i need to at least once.

I will read on a variety of subject matters to keep my brain active.

I will plan and execute projects - whether alone or with others.

I will follow my heart and listen to my body.

I will utilize coping mechanisms for my pain that do not include intoxication.

I will take steps to invest in my future health.

I will treat my body and my mind and my soul as I would treat any other's.

I don't know how I will achieve these goals - it seems like too much even as i write these things. But whatever - fuck it - what else am I going to do? run away? escape from the problems in my head? escape from the problems in my heart? the pain I feel cannot be dealt with in that way. the pain in my body and the pain in my heart are the motivation that gets me out of bed, it is what moves me to do the things i can't not do anymore.

will I be in recovery forever? is there any state of being 'better' from chronic pain and depression?

probably not.

but that is why I get up and do the things I can't not do.

because there is no life if i don't

and I'm not ready to die

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