Monday, February 17, 2014

Mornings are a challenge

Is the smile put on and worn like a pair of heels worth the work? This morning I doubt I have the energy to pull it off today, sadly all to common these days. My stomach is oscillating between cramps and loud noises, and I can't get warm. This is at least partially due to my heat being off, but nothing is separate, it is all part of my self. A self that is self-destructive, in pain, uncomfortable, burnt out, and struggling to maintain movement.

But that is only half the story.

My self is also naked, honest, searching, feeling, victorious, and present. Things I have gotten better at (not perfected) this year: being emotionally present, communicating necessary things, recognizing my strengths, breaking free of my own control, getting out of my own space, getting out of my own head, reaching out for help, offering my help to those around me.

I am grateful for the following people:

Overall, I am nervous about this thing. Its a thing that has been building for years now. I... I don't know... Well, I do, but saying it is hard.  This guy, he slept over with me over the weekend. It was fun and innocent, for now. I prob should have expressed more to him, but I was overwhelmed by the reality of the situation. Like, I have been looking up to him as this character in my head for a long ass time. But the thing is, I think we are super compatible. Because many of the things I imagined about him are, in reality, more relatable to myself than I could have imagined.
I just want to tell him this. That I really want to see him as a person, not as the character I have been fantasizing about for ever.

Oh well, I should finish today's homework... Here's to a wake and write, lets hope it cleanses my chi for today.

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