In many ways this message is at schoolmates - from boarding high school and from college. Folks who walked the corridors of old institutions built when white america was a different character and when whiteness was more secure - or at least what's what I've been told by white people.
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There has always been this expectation, whether inferred, implied, or unconscious, that I do something great with my life. (of course great is subjective but that's allowed in this expectation, it just must be great by some standard) Being raised on dreams of 'you can be whatever you want' and 'go out and make the world a better place' - the people in my life from 0-20 taught me that I needed to do something. To start a company, to find a professional job, to DO something to be proud of.
This is what I find toxic about capitalism today.
You may find some of the words I use here have many definitions, like that one^, but please read for meaning, not for 'correctness'
My life is given meaning through doing, not being. Life's value is determined by productivity. This framework for meaning - where action and result, cost and benefit, are supreme doesn't support the values I care about. There is no room for vulnerability and honesty, for loyalty and compassion, or for maintenance and healing.
If I had taken a different path in life I could be a journalist, I could be a scientist, I could be many things, ideas of which stress me out to no end.
I sit here, in solitude, happy with myself. I find so much value in this heart of mine. My center, my heart has been damaged, it lived for many years in hiding - the world around telling me I didn't need it. The world around me telling me that my heart was a weakness that would be exploited. Instead, I nurtured, protected, healed her.
I do think my heart is a she. Not all of me has the same gender.
I think of writing cover letters or pitching articles and my heart races. The act of selling myself has never been something I could do - at least not intentionally. My heart blocks words as they appear in my throat - words that she doesn't agree with. It's a wonder I function at all.
I'm generally thankful and kinda surprised by how easily I've gotten jobs tbh. Though being white and appearing as a man really explains a lot of that.
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I look out on the world today and see so much pain and suffering. I see resilience and joy too. I see humanity evolving and connecting and its all somewhat overwhelming. Given all of this - I have come to the conclusion that for me to pursue the accumulation of wealth would be immoral. If I were to prioritize my own future over the present conditions of those who are not as well off as I, I would not be able to live with myself. Not in the - quietly hold it in for years in the Yankee tradition - but in the not being able to hold onto my will to live kind of way.
Its simple enough to me: by birth, I was given extraordinary access to power structures and wealth accumulation opportunities. For me to engage in these practices would be to support a system that thrives on inequality. There is room for one to speak out and work to change things from the inside but the system added that room to control dissension, not to allow for change.
I made more money this year than I have in any year of my life. I also gave more money this year that I have in any year of my life. some 10% of my income went directly to people and small organizations that needed help. A larger percentage went to bar tabs. It's funny that when I'm working I tend to drink a lot and when I'm not - I can just stop. Not that real sobriety is something I aspire to or think possible, but my need for consumption as stress release is intimately tied to this pressure to perform productivity - trading my subservience for money.
What I wouldn't do to live a life where my value is seen as independent of my labor. What I wouldn't do to live in a world where those who cannot produce profitable labor are condemned to poverty or death. And yes this happens in our country - what do you think cuts to Medicaid or the ACA mean? I already can barely afford healthcare and I'm doing alright by most standards.
I don't think I can live up to the standards set out before me growing up. I find some joy in this now, realizing and naming the discomfort I've lived with for a decade feels good.
At this point in my life, I have no desire to monetize my productivity. I am productive because I want to be and because it makes me feel good. I engage in capitalism because I want to continue this life and its necessary. I believe I will be happiest in my life by separating my value from the productivity capitalism forces me to sell.
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